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I am not particularly good at creating structure for myself.  An example of a "doodle" I have been making since middle school. Though I can be quite disciplined on a daily or weekly basis, creating an overall framework for my actions is something I’m quite blind to. When I became untethered from the structure of college, I started to drift. Back then I had no conception of the difference between a desire and a goal.
This a common problem for people with ADHD. I was in my early 30’s before I even realized I wasn’t setting goals. Eventually I compared my life to those of my peers and realized I was still living like a 20 year old- having fun, but building nothing. Then I decided to “get serious” about my art career.  "Analyze" Page 7 I have explored this in a blog entry What's Next? Reflections on a Career in Art. I also made an artist book that explores this a bit more called Analyze. You can see a slideshow of it HERE. When I got serious, I started by narrowing down my subject matter and style to something I felt might be salable and distinguishable. For subject matter, my love of old vintage snapshots was the perfect choice. To develop a consistent style, I created two image boards:
By doing this, I created a structure for my artmaking.
Through this, I was able to create structure for sharing my art with the world. The upside was that I was able to convert my desires into goals, and onto achievement! Like a real grown-up! The downside was that my particular manner of creating structure robbed me of artistic freedom and expansive expression. The work was less about me, and more about my chosen subject matter. After 16 years, I have proved to myself that I have the ability to stick to something and achieve my goals. But now I want to create art that is more personally meaningful. It’s been interesting to observe myself without the intense structure of an art business. It is as if I were back in my early 20’s drifting away from the structure college provided me. Only this time, I am more experienced and self-aware. I know I run the risk of simply drifting until I am frustrated by a lack of achievement. So, I’m looking at some options that could provide me with structure and guidance, probably in the form of a formal mentorship program for artists… but not quite yet. I feel like someone who is newly single after a long relationship. I don’t want to settle down again just yet. I want to “find myself” and play the field a bit longer.  Sketchybook I, page 26 Order out of Chaos I am also seeking new influences. I took an online art course by Lorraine Glessner called Mark Making as Practice. Lorraine believes that every artist has a personal vocabulary of marks that is as unique as a signature, and that mark making daily and without objective is the way to find and develop a personal style and expression.
Paradoxically, I have a condition called dyscalculia, which is a learning disability that results in difficulty understanding numbers and mathematics. Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.  Analyze page 4c, checkbook accordion book My Sketchybook
Armed with watercolor pencils, water soluble pens, markers, and a glue stick, I set up a place on the terrace of our Mexican vacation spot and worked a bit every day. Some of the images are abstract, and some are references to my surroundings and experience. I wrote text in some pages, mostly not. Some are lovely and sweet, a couple are sad, many are funny. I have a collection of images you can see HERE.
 Sketchybook I, page 25 My Special Purpose! This book is a work in progress, and currently I am using it as a tool to process my letting go and rebuilding structure. At the moment, I feel excited, yet overwhelmed by the many ideas I have and directions I could go.  Sketchybook I, page 27 Shall I make art about math, or my dyscalculia? How about astronomy and astrology? Compasses and navigation? I’m also fascinated by the origins of writing. Or I could get more personal and do a book about being an aging female (lots to discuss there!) Of course, there is always mythology and stories from the ancient world. Interwoven is my continued fascination with archeology- but which archeology?  Sketchybook I, page 16 I have so many ideas! Ideas that are more than ideas, they are inspirations, notions, concepts, curiosities, paths, directions, lines of inquiry, journeys, compulsions. All I know is that it is these things, these “ideas” that make life rich and meaningful for us all.  Sketchybook I, page 26
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Below is a slideshow of the book. You can watch from beginning to end, or you can pause it and look at the still images by hovering your cursor over it and clicking the "pause" button that appears in the upper left corner. Some pages in Analyze have text, either handwritten or typed on my new, old typewriter. It may be difficult to read the text in the slideshow, so under the slideshow I have provided images with the corresponding text with each. Added Bonus: if you make it to the bottom of the page, you can see a little video of the check ledger featured in Analyze in action! Still Images with Text: Page One:
Page Nine:
The prefrontal cortex has a lot to do with developing these skills, and that section of the brain is SMALLER in children with ADHD. Some people’s brains will grow as they mature, so that you can barely tell the difference at all. Girls tend to be less hyperactive than boys, and are usually just really spacy. People with ADHD also tend to have problems with social skills. They are more prone to miss social cues, verbal, and non-verbal communication from others. Hyperfocus is another trait. It is as if all that missing attention roars back to life and consumes everything in its path. This can be a great advantage when creating art, but is terrifically inconvenient at other times. Everyone who has ADHD develops different coping strategies, some productive, and others destructive. One thing is for certain: it has a dramatic effect on how a personality develops, and will shape a person’s life trajectory in profound ways. Page 11:
Many report a chronic and deep-seated sense of underachievement and intense frustration over squandered opportunities and are at a loss to explain why they cannot seem to translate their obvious assets into more positive outcomes.” Barkley, R.A. (2015). Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment, 4th ed. New York: Guilford Publications. Pages 13 and 13a:
Page 16a
Page 17
Page 23:
Checkbook Ledger: (You made it to the end!)
It's a big, beautiful machine, weighing in at probably 30 pounds!  I recently took a new creative direction by making artist books, where I utilize collage materials and text. Rather than merely depicting typewriters, I wanted to actually TYPE stuff and integrate it into my books. So, I wrestled my Woodstock back into my car and had it repaired at Type Space, Portland’s Vintage Typewriter Shop!
Below is a video of me tussling with my new contraption. In the video, I am writing a piece about having ADHD, which I will use in my new artist book, Analyze. Curiously, the act of typing echoed what it can be like to have ADHD. The process was long and laborious, and the result is a bit messy and garbled, yet totally unique and beautiful in its own way. Typing also made me reflect on this unique moment in our history. Now our keyboards require a light touch, and with tools like spell check and AI, we can rattle off whatever pops into our head, unthinkingly. Combined with the web and social media, this can lead to oversharing, thoughtlessness, and even trolling. It made me imagine a world past when we had to be so deliberate with our communication-where everyone had to take a breath and consider each word before committing it to the page. |
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