Structure.

I am not particularly good at creating structure for myself.

An example of a "doodle" I have been making since middle school.

Though I can be quite disciplined on a daily or weekly basis, creating an overall framework for my actions is something I’m quite blind to.

When I became untethered from the structure of college, I started to drift. Back then I had no conception of the difference between a desire and a goal.

• A desire is something you want to acquire or have happen. They are often vague and driven by emotion.
• A goal is an objective you want to attain. It involves a plan, which means you must step back and think.
  

This a common problem for people with ADHD. I was in my early 30’s before I even realized I wasn’t setting goals. Eventually I compared my life to those of my peers and realized I was still living like a 20 year old- having fun, but building nothing.

Then I decided to “get serious” about my art career.

"Analyze" Page 7

I have explored this in a blog entry What's Next? Reflections on a Career in Art. I also made an artist book that explores this a bit more called Analyze. You can see a slideshow of it HERE.

When I got serious, I started by narrowing down my subject matter and style to something I felt might be salable and distinguishable. For subject matter, my love of old vintage snapshots was the perfect choice. To develop a consistent style, I created two image boards:

• One had images of art that I admired, but DIDN'T want to paint like.
  
• The other had images of art I also admired, and DID want to paint like.
  

By doing this, I created a structure for my artmaking.

Then, my buddy Bridget bought me a book by Alyson Stanfield entitled I’d Rather Be in the Studio. Through this book (and eventually online coursework,) I was able to build the basics of running an art business; a website, a newsletter, an inventory database, an art statement, the works.

Through this, I was able to create structure for sharing my art with the world.

The upside was that I was able to convert my desires into goals, and onto achievement! Like a real grown-up!

The downside was that my particular manner of creating structure robbed me of artistic freedom and expansive expression. The work was less about me, and more about my chosen subject matter.

After 16 years, I have proved to myself that I have the ability to stick to something and achieve my goals. But now I want to create art that is more personally meaningful.

It’s been interesting to observe myself without the intense structure of an art business. It is as if I were back in my early 20’s drifting away from the structure college provided me. Only this time, I am more experienced and self-aware. I know I run the risk of simply drifting until I am frustrated by a lack of achievement.

So, I’m looking at some options that could provide me with structure and guidance, probably in the form of a formal mentorship program for artists… but not quite yet.

I feel like someone who is newly single after a long relationship. I don’t want to settle down again just yet. I want to “find myself” and play the field a bit longer.

Sketchybook I, page 26

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Order out of Chaos

I am also seeking new influences. I took an online art course by Lorraine Glessner called Mark Making as Practice. Lorraine believes that every artist has a personal vocabulary of marks that is as unique as a signature, and that mark making daily and without objective is the way to find and develop a personal style and expression.

Sketchybook I page 23

Many of the images I’m showing here have been the result of this practice.

What I have found is something I sort of knew, but has become very clear to me: I tend to create art that has a lot of structure!

It’s as if my normally disordered mind wants to create an antidote of order and peace. 

Squares, circles, rectangles, and angles seem to pour out of me. They often form the basis of my figurative work as well.

Often, at some point during the painting process I pull out a ruler or a compass, and get a secret thrill of satisfaction when geometric order works its way into the composition.

Lace 40x40 Collage on panel

Paradoxically, I have a condition called dyscalculia, which is a learning disability that results in difficulty understanding numbers and mathematics.

Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.

Analyze page 4c, checkbook accordion book

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My Sketchybook

Sketchybook I, Cover

I was recently on vacation in Mexico, and I wanted to keep up a mark making practice while there.

I tend to find sketchbooks uninviting, so I decided to make a sketchbook of my own.

I made a lovely hard back cover with a cloth binding.

Then I collected a variety of paper and some left over painted collage papers. I tore or cut them down to size, then folded them in half to make pages. I used elastic bands to secure them temporarily into the cover. This way I can move the pages around if I want to.

Sketchybook I, temporary binding

Armed with watercolor pencils, water soluble pens, markers, and a glue stick, I set up a place on the terrace of our Mexican vacation spot and worked a bit every day. Some of the images are abstract, and some are references to my surroundings and experience. I wrote text in some pages, mostly not. Some are lovely and sweet, a couple are sad, many are funny. I have a collection of images you can see HERE.

Sketchybook I, page 3

Sketchybook I, page 4

Sketchybook I, page 20

Sketchybook I, page 22

When I got home, I still had space in my book for more work, so I made a “Chapter Two” page, and kept going. I have no intended narrative in mind, yet I still strive to create an arch of experience while making and viewing the book.

Sketchybook I, page 25

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My Special Purpose!

This book is a work in progress, and currently I am using it as a tool to process my letting go and rebuilding structure. At the moment, I feel excited, yet overwhelmed by the many ideas I have and directions I could go.

Sketchybook I, page 27

Shall I make art about math, or my dyscalculia? How about astronomy and astrology? Compasses and navigation? I’m also fascinated by the origins of writing. Or I could get more personal and do a book about being an aging female (lots to discuss there!) Of course, there is always mythology and stories from the ancient world. Interwoven is my continued fascination with archeology- but which archeology?

Sketchybook I, page 16

I have so many ideas! Ideas that are more than ideas, they are inspirations, notions, concepts, curiosities, paths, directions, lines of inquiry, journeys, compulsions. All I know is that it is these things, these “ideas” that make life rich and meaningful for us all. 

Sketchybook I, page 26

You see? I could go anywhere. Do anything. It’s overwhelming!

Goodness knows where I’ll end up…